Cinco de Mayo

Cinco de Mayo. 

A date that is typically shouted with jovial bouts of excitement over half-priced margaritas and free queso to go with your chips and salsa.

Cinco de Mayo.

A date that as an ESOL teacher I celebrated by wearing my coworker's flamenco skirt, a strange American tradition that has my actual Mexican students confused because the 5th of May is NOT their independence day. Sorry, Gringos.

Cinco de Mayo. 

The first thought that popped into my mind when I saw the due date after I typed in the date of my last period following my positive pregnancy test on August 23rd, 2015. Lew Baby 2 would be here that spring.

Cinco de Mayo. 

The date resonates within my soul upon every commercial advertisement, glaring the date, almost tauntingly of what could have been.

Selah. 

This date last year I was pregnant with the twins and was wading through the emotions of grief over our lost baby, the worry over the possibility of losing the twins, and the fear of what I would do when they were born. I walked with my family of three down the riverfront and threw flowers into the water, missing our child who could have been, should have been.

Cinco de Mayo. 

Today, I put on my flamenco skirt and jovially shouted "Feliz Cinco de Mayo, Amigos!" as I danced around in the hallway. Meanwhile the time in the hour glass moved ever so slowly as I waited for the opportunity to go pick out the flowers we are taking to the river this evening.

Selah.

It's a strange balance, the line between grief and joy. On one hand, I am oh so thankful to be pushing the stroller with our twins this year. But on the other, my heart still wonders what life would have been like had we had our baby.

Cinco de Mayo.

Selah.

Selah is the pause of resonance between Psalms. At the time we didn't know when or if we would be pregnant again, but we prayed that the time between our children would be a pause, not a forever stop. So we named our baby Selah. We also prayed that mercy, peace, and joy would be in our lives. (Verse Jude 1:2)

I miss you, Selah Jude. Your Papa misses you, too. You'd really love your baby brother and sister, and I'm sure LJ would have adored you the way he loves the twins. Happy Cinco de Mayo and what would have been your first birthday. Oh, what a year it would have been...